This is for the day when an unearthly genius invents time travel. A letter to a nonsensical, thirteen year old me. But until that day, this shall remain unseen by thirteen year old me.
*possible trigger warning, talk of self-harm, suicide, abuse and addiction*
I’m going to start with this. If you are sat there right now feeling sorry for yourself because you think your life is ‘tough’ then don’t because in years to come, if you don’t sort yourself out now it gets 100 times worse. Trust me on that.
If you think life’s hard now, wait until your twenty years old, years behind everyone else, your friends all have kids, their own homes, cars, some are even getting married and you are still living at home, struggling for a job and still in college when you should be in your second year of university, university for you is a long way away for you right now.
(just a quick note, I wrote this piece two years ago and never posted it, I’ve tweaked parts and added more. I now have my own flat, I drive, and I am now a carer for the elderly with advanced dementia, working towards my qualifications to be a nurse. I am also possibly about to become a Mental Health Support worker for adults, my interview is on MONDAY!!!)
When it comes to your mental health, TALK ABOUT IT, no matter how small, how big or how embarrassing you may think it is, for god sake please just TALK. Don’t shy away, don’t hide in that corner and keep your mental health issues to yourself. when in therapy don’t lie to your therapist, tell her the truth, tell you how much you are struggling. Don’t allow yourself to become secretive about your life, don’t bottle up feelings, TALK ABOUT THINGS!! Because honestly, the situation you are in right now is not good. Some days even breathing is a difficult task, although an involuntary process it seems like a lot of effort some days. Not talking leads to a massive misdiagnosis, and years of receiving the incorrect treatment for borderline personality disorder. The professionals drill it into your head every day, until you get to the point where you believe that’s what you have, but deep down inside you knew it wasn’t, you didn’t meet the criteria and deep down you knew that your past had caused you to become what you are today. The day you open that can of worms is the day you receive the diagnosis of CPTSD and get put into the correct treatment. Even then when you receive that diagnosis it takes just over six months for you to finally accept the diagnosis and start therapy properly, although you knew you did not have BPD, the diagnosis of complex post traumatic stress disorder freaks you the hell out. But finally, after eight years of being involved with mental health professionals, you are finally receiving the appropriate help. I cannot stress enough about how important it is to talk about your mental health, the issues that bother you no matter how trivial they may seem, incidents that have happened in the past or bad memories. Being open and honest is key to receiving the correct diagnosis and more importantly the correct treatment to help you get better and enable you to live your life to the fullest!
Never inflict self-injury. It’s a downwards spiral from the first time you ever picked up that blade because ten years down the line you’ll find yourself still relying on that nasty habit when things get rough. People say they aren’t embarrassed about their scars, they show how strong of a person you have been, but I totally disagree. Scars are disgusting, if you are happy to walk around in short sleeve tops with everything on show, feeling paranoid twenty four seven, thinking people are laughing and staring then carry on do what you want, but if you aren’t willing to put up with that, put it down, snap a rubber band on your wrist, squeeze ice, distract yourself, listen to music, read a book, write a blog do anything just don’t not use that blade, don’t put that fag out on yourself, don’t use that lighter on yourself, just don’t it isn’t worth it, find another way to cope, I beg of you. Although relying on self-harm isn’t a massive issue in your life right now, when things get really bad it gets a hold of you, its not a pretty sight, what was once a blank canvas is now ruined with vulgar scars.
This is the most important part, please, for the love of god make sure your mum knows how much you appreciate her and the things she does for you. You have no idea how little time you have left with this wonderful, beautiful human being. Don’t argue or be stubborn, just spend as much time as possible with her and make sure she knows how much you love you, you have no clue what is around the corner. My darling it’s not good, be less absent and more involved, don’t hide in your room, go down stairs and spend as much time as humanly possible with her, shower her with cuddles at every opportunity and remind her every single day without fail, that you love her with all your heart. Losing your mother at the age of sixteen absolutely destroys you, its as though you have your heart ripped out and stomped on a million times and more, there is no way to describe the pain, the grief, the regret, the absolute heart ache that you go through and still are going through to this very day. Make sure she knows.
Part of growing up you become curious, you start to experiment with things, but be warned be more careful, as a youth, experimenting seems exciting, until it gets a grip on you and takes you down a dark and deadly route. It’s all fun and games, until it gets serious. Acknowledge that enough is enough, don’t ignore that it gets you into a lot of trouble and struggle. don’t allow yourself to go down the route of addiction, don’t allow yourself to get sucked into ‘the sesh’. You end up in an extremely dark place, living in a doss house, surrounded by drugs every single day for a period of six months or longer you don’t remember because most days you were off it. It turns out to be the worst time of your life, along with a mentally abusive partner. It’s totally embarrassing and a time in your life you don’t want to go down this route.
Learn from toxic friendships, when a friendship drags you down, makes you feel like you are a worthless piece of sh*t, you seem to be doing everything for them and get nothing but crap in return, when that friendship ends DON’T, please just don’t be foolish enough to believe they have changed and let them back in. Once someone leaves your life, leave it that way, that goes for ex partners as well, its not worth the hassle, it truly isn’t.
Take your time, life is precious, there is no rush to reach your goals. Enjoy the little things, take time to notice everything around you and take it all in. There really is no rush, and don’t feel ashamed for not being the same level as everyone else around you, sometimes people take longer to reach their goals and there’s no harm in that whatsoever. So what if you are twenty-two and you don’t have a family, so what if you don’t own a brand new car, a house, the newest phone, so what if you aren’t settled down in a relationship or married, you are still young, you aren’t tied down to anything, you are free to do whatever you want whenever you want and damn girl you enjoy it whilst it lasts!
Make sure you remember to take time out when things get too much, don’t take too much on at once because it lands you in hospital several times. Don’t forget to look after yourself. you are important as well! Give yourself a break and learn to know when you need to sit back and relax. It is so important to remember, although you want to help everyone around you and fix them all, you can’t do that when you are broken yourself. Give yourself time to heal, and then try to help others. A broken you can’t fix the broken world when you don’t even know how to help yourself!! Be kind to yourself, stop setting such high goals, start little, one step at a time! It doesn’t matter how slow you go, all that matters is that you are heading in the right direction, and anyway forward is the right way as long as its going forward!
This is such a personal post, but I hope that in some way maybe it helps someone realise how important it is to talk, or to try and find ways to not self-harm and to use distraction techniques, or appreciate those you love every single day without fail, not to rely on drugs or alcohol I don’t know? Or maybe that even when things are hard going, there is always some light at the end of the tunnel! For anyone that is reading this that is struggling, please believe me there is always light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dark it may be right now, that light will come through and one day you’re going to get to the end of the tunnel and everything will be okay. For anyone that needs to vent, scream, shout, talk, anything please don’t be afraid to drop me a message, my DM’s are ALWAYS open!
For anyone that feels like doing anything to harm themselves, or end their lives please seek help, call your local crisis team (if you are involved with services) go to your nearest A&E department, or call 111(non-emergency) 999 (emergency). Please seek help, I’ll drop a few links to some online chats / phonelines / text lines that you can use if you are struggling, please don’t struggle alone! If you aren’t comfortable with using helplines, please reach out to a friend, a family member or even me anonymously!
Papyrus – for people under 35
Call 0800 068 41 41 – Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm, weekends 2pm to 10pm, bank holidays 2pm to 5pm
Text 07786 209697
Samaritans – for everyone
Call 116 123
Helpline: 0800 58 58 58
Phone: 08444 775 774 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-5.30pm)
Phone: 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri, 9am-6pm)