You know things are bad again when…

* TRIGGER WARNING*

Ok, so I started this blog two years ago and gave up within a few weeks. Recently I’ve felt the need to write, I’m in a seriously bad place right now and in major need to vent so here goes, quite possibly a very dark read.

 

You know things are bad when no matter how hard you try, nothing seems good enough. You feel as though you are letting every single person around you down, the thoughts and the feelings take over, they hold you with the tightest grip possible and you feel as though the only option to escape from their tenacious grasp is to close your eyes one last time, and to never open them again. Even though deep down inside you know that you really don’t want to die, it seems like the only option to end the pain.

You know things are bad when it’s been days since you last left your bed, you can’t remember the last time you had a proper wash, brushed your teeth or combed your hair and although you feel absolutely rotten you still can’t seem to find the energy to drag yourself out of bed and give yourself the TLC you truly need. You know that the longer you keep yourself locked away in what you think is your place of safety, the worse you are going to get, the harder it becomes to drag yourself from your pit. But even though you are aware of this, the motivation to do anything about it is non-existent.

You know things are bad when you stand in the middle of your flat and can’t see the floor, the kitchen sink is full, the washing basket is overflowing and there’s a gross smell coming from within from the weeks of neglect. Bin bags piling up in the spare room because you’ve missed bin day for the fourth time in a row, wrappers, glasses, half eaten meals spread throughout the chaos of your own home.

You know things are bad when you don’t show for work, you cancel on friends at the very last minute, you avoid anything that involves socialising, you lack the ability to attend appointments, or the shops on your own, answering phone calls is a thing of the past. You’re riddled with gut wrenching anxiety, anxiety attacks take over you, hyperventilating over the smallest of things, shaking, sweating and the feeling of your heart pounding is present through the majority of your days.

You know things are bad when you snap at everyone for no reason in-particular, decision making seems impossible and although you are here, in your head you are else where. You become easily distracted, and you have the attention span of a goldfish. Day dreaming, zoning out and drifting away from reality is constantly happening. You become a walking, ticking time-bomb and one wrong word could make you implode. Everyone around you becomes scared to say a word to you, because they have no idea how you may react.

You know things are bad when the bad habits make a reappearance, the alcohol intake is increased by a thousand times and even though you know it makes it worse, those few hours of freedom, those few hours of not feeling anything and blocking everything out feels worth it at the time, until the next day where you feel worse than you did before. Or the alcohol gives you the confidence to actually go through with an attempt of ending your own life and lands you on a short hospital admission for your own safety.

You know things are bad when the flashbacks become more intense and are happening more frequently, the nightmares are back with a vengeance, waking up in floods of tears due to the fear of not knowing what’s real and what’s not until you manage to re-ground yourself. When you can’t see good in a single thing, all you see, all you are surrounded by is bad, and you do nothing but blame yourself for all that’s wrong in your life. The guilt, the shame, every bad feeling intensifies and is barely bearable.

You know things are bad when the shower stings, the long sleeved tops make a sly reappearance, hiding every part of your body so no one notices how bad things have really gotten. The skin that had recently healed has been ruined once again, because the blades sneaked their way back into your hands, and you cant remember the exact reason why, but the need, the urge is back and you cannot resist it. The vile addiction you managed to kick, the self-harm free days have vanished and you are back to relying on those blades yet again.

You know things are bad when you’re surrounded by friends and family holding out their hands for you to grab, but no matter how hard you try to hold on you keep losing grip. When your head is so loud, you can’t concentrate on anything else other than the insidious thoughts ruminating around up there, no matter how much people tell you they are there for you and that they care about you, you’ve never felt so lonely, so isolated and so uncared for in your life. It’s like no matter what anyone says to you, the voices are always louder, always correct and always win.

 

you know things are bad when..

when you let your head win.

 

For anyone suffering with mental health, please if you aren’t already seek help!! Go to your GP, use online services, or if you are in danger or thinking about ending your life please attend your nearest A&E and seek help immediately. Don’t suffer alone, don’t be afraid to talk, don’t let your mental health win.

Reach out to a friend, family member, or even me!!!

Some useful numbers if you are struggling ;

Samaritans – for everyone
Call 116 123
Email jo@samaritans.org

 

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – for men
Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight every day
Visit the webchat page

 

Papyrus – for people under 35
Call 0800 068 41 41 – Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm, weekends 2pm to 10pm, bank holidays 2pm to 5pm
Text 07786 209697
Email pat@papyrus-uk.org

 

anxiety uk – for anyone 

Infoline: 03444 775 774

Mon-Fri 9:30am – 5.30pm

Text Service: 07537 416 905

42 thoughts on “You know things are bad again when…

  1. Bless you, well done for opening up and letting all of that out. I can totally relate to every single word of that. The thing to remember is, this too shall pass. Dark times don’t last forever, and things will get better. Keep fighting and never give up. Better days are coming. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m only ever a message away. Anytime. Much love x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ditto here, now learnedto live through this with help. Not that different from a normal life, just too much emotion and anxiety.But life happens for us too just as it happens for others.
    Reaching to the other end of the day matters most. Keep going.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry things have gotten this bad for you. I have seen some dark days return since my Dad died, but my therapist is seeing me once a week to try to stay on top of it. I hope you are taking your own advise and getting out to see the doctor at least. Don’t let those voices win. You can be and ARE stronger than them.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Keep venting away, at least the thoughts are finding a way out.
    Keep fighting and pushing back against the voice inside.

    Finally, be kind to yourself. It won’t feel like it right now but from the bottom, the only way is up again.
    We’re all with you in this xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can relate to almost every bit of that. I do hope you are getting help. Counseling, psychiatrist, even friends to talk to? I’ve been in that pit often and there’s no need to stay there by yourself. Granted, it’s hard to see that when you’re there.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks, I hate that anyone else can relate, too. I’ve come to accept it. I let myself wallow, sometimes longer than others. And I treasure my small circle of friends.

        Like

  6. Wow I can relate to every line of what you’ve written. I’m sorry that things are so bad right now. Try to remember that the worst times always end if you can just hold on. You’re not alone. Keep fighting.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Wow, i really felt this. I had a blog years ago that I gave up on in the face of Mental Health struggles. Today was my first attempt to blog again in over 2 years. I hope you are okay, I know that’s stupid but please know you aren’t alone. I’m here if you want to talk. I’m in the same boat as you. MH can be hard. You’re strong though. I promise.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. It’s hard to “like” this but what you say is common to those of us with similar diagnoses….just I don’t get them all at once! Get the care you need…..from your self and from the pros.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sending hugs…. so much of this resonates so deeply with me. Maybe the sheer act of venting it out will help!! ❤️😊hope the darkness passes soon!

    Like

  10. Someone I love had a depression and was thinking of ending her life. She is recovering very well now, with medication, family supports and most importantly self-help through the right path towards having the right mentality. It all started because of fear, obligation, or guilt (FOG). These are due to greed, hatred, and delusion which we are all mis-educated by the society and the education system. We must learn to let go of desire and attachment. This is the key to have no FOG. It is essential to remove the fuel of the fire; instead of doing firefighting constantly which will only control the spread of the fire.

    Like

  11. Wow reading through this reminds me so vividly of times when I have been exactly where you are at. The good news is that you are sharing this with others – it will definitely help you and sometimes merely talking about stuff and airing it out can make an amazing difference. Sending many big hugs your way, you are definitely not alone. Many of the points you wrote about seemed to be reaching into my own experiences word for word. ❤

    Like

  12. This made me feel so much and even though you feel that way you wrote, and you incourage others to seek help, be proud of that a very hard thing to do when you feel what you feel 💗💗💗

    Like

  13. This was very touching. And you have described so wonderfully how I feel at times. Hold your ground. Hold on to the love so many people are sending your way. I am sending you a ❤️ too

    Like

  14. I’ve turned to blogging to deal with my demons too! Sometimes it’s good to just get the crazy out of my brain and laid out in front of me. I’m hoping long term il be able to look back and see how far I’ve come but that’s going to take its time! Sending so much love your way – one day at a time!! Xx

    Like

  15. You spoke to my heart. I, too, have felt compelled to write lately. When my head is a mess I find writing it all down much easier…plus my mind can’t change the story as easily when it’s in writing 😫
    Just wanted to send you some love & light…the struggle, no matter how excruciating, needs to be discussed openly and I’m so proud of you for sharing! ❤️🙌🏻

    Like

  16. So sorry for your pain, thanks though for sharing. You have a powerful message and write it so well. You words have power to help others feel a little less alone by spreading your words across the page. Praying for you!

    Like

Leave a Reply to Rachel Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s