* TRIGGER WARNING*
Ok, so I started this blog two years ago and gave up within a few weeks. Recently I’ve felt the need to write, I’m in a seriously bad place right now and in major need to vent so here goes, quite possibly a very dark read.
You know things are bad when no matter how hard you try, nothing seems good enough. You feel as though you are letting every single person around you down, the thoughts and the feelings take over, they hold you with the tightest grip possible and you feel as though the only option to escape from their tenacious grasp is to close your eyes one last time, and to never open them again. Even though deep down inside you know that you really don’t want to die, it seems like the only option to end the pain.
You know things are bad when it’s been days since you last left your bed, you can’t remember the last time you had a proper wash, brushed your teeth or combed your hair and although you feel absolutely rotten you still can’t seem to find the energy to drag yourself out of bed and give yourself the TLC you truly need. You know that the longer you keep yourself locked away in what you think is your place of safety, the worse you are going to get, the harder it becomes to drag yourself from your pit. But even though you are aware of this, the motivation to do anything about it is non-existent.
You know things are bad when you stand in the middle of your flat and can’t see the floor, the kitchen sink is full, the washing basket is overflowing and there’s a gross smell coming from within from the weeks of neglect. Bin bags piling up in the spare room because you’ve missed bin day for the fourth time in a row, wrappers, glasses, half eaten meals spread throughout the chaos of your own home.
You know things are bad when you don’t show for work, you cancel on friends at the very last minute, you avoid anything that involves socialising, you lack the ability to attend appointments, or the shops on your own, answering phone calls is a thing of the past. You’re riddled with gut wrenching anxiety, anxiety attacks take over you, hyperventilating over the smallest of things, shaking, sweating and the feeling of your heart pounding is present through the majority of your days.
You know things are bad when you snap at everyone for no reason in-particular, decision making seems impossible and although you are here, in your head you are else where. You become easily distracted, and you have the attention span of a goldfish. Day dreaming, zoning out and drifting away from reality is constantly happening. You become a walking, ticking time-bomb and one wrong word could make you implode. Everyone around you becomes scared to say a word to you, because they have no idea how you may react.
You know things are bad when the bad habits make a reappearance, the alcohol intake is increased by a thousand times and even though you know it makes it worse, those few hours of freedom, those few hours of not feeling anything and blocking everything out feels worth it at the time, until the next day where you feel worse than you did before. Or the alcohol gives you the confidence to actually go through with an attempt of ending your own life and lands you on a short hospital admission for your own safety.
You know things are bad when the flashbacks become more intense and are happening more frequently, the nightmares are back with a vengeance, waking up in floods of tears due to the fear of not knowing what’s real and what’s not until you manage to re-ground yourself. When you can’t see good in a single thing, all you see, all you are surrounded by is bad, and you do nothing but blame yourself for all that’s wrong in your life. The guilt, the shame, every bad feeling intensifies and is barely bearable.
You know things are bad when the shower stings, the long sleeved tops make a sly reappearance, hiding every part of your body so no one notices how bad things have really gotten. The skin that had recently healed has been ruined once again, because the blades sneaked their way back into your hands, and you cant remember the exact reason why, but the need, the urge is back and you cannot resist it. The vile addiction you managed to kick, the self-harm free days have vanished and you are back to relying on those blades yet again.
You know things are bad when you’re surrounded by friends and family holding out their hands for you to grab, but no matter how hard you try to hold on you keep losing grip. When your head is so loud, you can’t concentrate on anything else other than the insidious thoughts ruminating around up there, no matter how much people tell you they are there for you and that they care about you, you’ve never felt so lonely, so isolated and so uncared for in your life. It’s like no matter what anyone says to you, the voices are always louder, always correct and always win.
you know things are bad when..
when you let your head win.
For anyone suffering with mental health, please if you aren’t already seek help!! Go to your GP, use online services, or if you are in danger or thinking about ending your life please attend your nearest A&E and seek help immediately. Don’t suffer alone, don’t be afraid to talk, don’t let your mental health win.
Reach out to a friend, family member, or even me!!!
Some useful numbers if you are struggling ;
anxiety uk – for anyone
Infoline: 03444 775 774
Mon-Fri 9:30am – 5.30pm
Text Service: 07537 416 905